Confession time: I am coming up on the end of my second day
of complete despair. Sometimes it just needs to happen. Sometimes I just need to throw out all that I know in my heart and have learned over the years and
just take a nice bath in my own self-doubt.
There is something strangely self congratulatory about these
self deprecating thoughts. I’m not talented; I’m not good enough; no one understands.
When I sink into my hole of despair, no one can meet me there and sometimes I
like it that way.
It’s just that I can quite seem to jump off of the
merry-go-round of identity. Eight months ago the most defining moment of my
life occurred when I became a mom. Babies themselves are AWESOME for self-esteem
but motherhood on the other hand may be one of most difficult transitions that
I have ever made. I used to be able to go where ever and do what ever and I
found tremendous purpose in facing the challenge of reselling Jesus to a
generation that has passed Him up. How does one go to from the evangelizing the
world to … hanging out with a baby? From where am I deriving my meaning? Who or
what is giving me my identity?
Yesterday was the memorial of the beheading of John the
Baptist and it is he more than any character in salvation history that has
taught me how one can define himself correctly and live accordingly. Why is
this important? Because we make most of our decisions based on two foundations.
The first, how is we see the world and the second is how we see ourselves. If
we see the world rightly and understand ourselves rightly then we will make far
different choices and build a far different life than if we get those wrong. So, teach us St. John
John the Baptist is known at the wild child of the New
Testament. He first comes on the scene in utero when he meets baby Jesus, also
in utero, during Mary’s visit to Elizabeth, John’s mother. It is his second
appearance however that is so significant for this post. John had made a name for
himself as a prophet in Galilee and was so charismatic that many thought he
might be the messiah. Curious to know the truth, a couple of Jewish leaders
approached John in the gospel and asked him, “Who are you?”.
John immediately answered with who he is not, “ I am not the
messiah.” They then asked, “ Are you Elijah?” No. “Are you a prophet?” No.
John finally responds by quoting Isaiah 40:3, “ I am the
voice of the one crying out in the desert, "Make straight the way of the Lord".
I am not god. I am not Elijah. I am the voice. John was the
voice meant to prepare the world for the Jesus. He knew it and that is just
what he did. What is so remarkable here is that John new EXACTLY his identity
and was able to fulfill his purpose because he derived his identity from the
Source of his creation. He soberly believed it which enabled him to live it
out.
From where do we derive our identity? We live in a world
where we are told that we can be whatever we want to be. Who we are is now
relative to our current state of emotion but most of us can’t help but see
ourselves through the eyes of the world around us. The only problem is that is that the world’s view of us is incomplete. It is false and if
we believe it, our view of our selves wrong.
Other people can not give us our true identity because they
can not see us rightly in order to make the correct assessment. They are
blinded by their own self interest and they will always be missing information.
We would also be wrong to draw the answer to “Who are you?” from ourselves. We
tend to lean too much towards pride, or self deprecation.
John knew his exact identity because He knew the Lord and
because he knew His word. He had not pride nor despair, simply confidence
and humility. His foundation was as firm as it was correct and because of this
he did not sway when life did not go well. John ended his life with his head on
a platter for speaking truth and yet he was feared for his righteousness, a
fruit of true self worth.
See, if God is creator then he knows every
single part of us and only he can make an honest assessment. His own self does
not obstruct his view because He ridded his self for our sake. He has given
himself completely and knows all perfectly. This means that He knows exactly
who we aren’t. He knows that we are broken, he knows every single deceit that
we polish up for the world but He also knows every talent that we possess,
every good and blessed thing to us which He has given. It is according to His
view that He judges and He is the only right judge. He has decided that despite
it all and with eyes wide open He set salvation history in motion for the sake
of His glory and because we are worth it.
And yet we miss this. I am the perfect example today as I sit and
wonder what I can even offer to the world as motherhood has shifted my
“production” from catering to the many in public to caring for the one in
private. We fool ourselves into thinking that we are worth our output. We
believe the assessment of those who are closest to us and I would bet that we
do not quite know the Lord who knows us so well. If we don’t know Him then we
can't know what He truly thinks of us. And if we do not know His word how can we
live out the purpose for which He has made us? When asked “Who are you?" , John
quoted scripture. Could we do the same?
Broken and yet so deeply loved, our God is not fooled. We
should not be either. We should know who we aren’t. On the other hand, we are
simply delightful as proven by a God who delights in us. Let us live out of
this soberly with humility and confidence, void of pride or self-deprecation
and let us bestow the attitude of our creator on to an unbelieving world so
that they may also believe and see themselves through the eyes of their creator.
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